Men, Is This Secretly Destroying Your Marriage Or Relationship? By Calle Zorro There’s a certain thing that is destroying marriages and relationships the world over – right now. Perhaps, it’s silently working to tear down and destroy even your relationship…
I say silently because it’s hidden. No one ever sees it. It’s “covered up”. In fact, it’s covered so well that you’d think it didn’t exist…and yet, buried though it may be, it’s DRIVING power is persistently having a negative impact on far too many marriages and relationships.
It’s a fear – a very specific fear…it is…the fear that your spouse somehow, someway finds you inadequate – that your spouse secretly wants something you can’t give them but just doesn’t say anything about it to you – or, that your spouse is unfulfilled in you, but doesn’t want to tell you for fear of “hurting” you.
Baloney! Garbage! Rubbish! BS!
Friend, here’s one of the greatest secrets to success in a marriage or relationship that you can ever grasp…whatever level of inadequacy that other people perceive in you ORIGINATES in YOUR mind.
In other words, if you secretly fear that you are inadequate, then your spouse will subconsciously pick up on that vibration and subconsciously reach the conclusion that you are somehow, someway inadequate.
Conversely, if you maintain a genuine, congruent self-belief that you are fully able and capable of meeting your spouses every need – physically and emotionally – then your spouse will subconsciously pick up on that vibration and WILL ACCEPT IT AS TRUE!
Regardless of your opinion about them, adult films offer us a very telling demonstration of what I’m talking about here… There are certain adult stars – male and female – who are endowed with (or who have surgically created) the finest specimen’s of the human body.
Moreover, these adult stars have learned how to groom and oil and position their bodies in just the right way while making sure the lights are set in only complimentary angles such that by the time the “mere normal person” sees them on film, he or she can easily feel inferior, intimidated, and inadequate in comparison to these stars.
And yet, after watching several of these types of films in a row, you quickly begin to realize that in spite of all these adult stars physical features, you are watching a passionless, meaningless…
Sure, they act like they’re enjoying “over the top” passion ¬– but, you can tell that it’s not real just as surely as you can tell when a toddler is telling you a false “story”.
But, if you were to dig around long enough (and I’m not suggesting that you do, I’m just saying if you did) you would eventually find a film where a flat-chested woman and a man with a less-than-average-sized member set aside all the pretending, faking, judging, and evaluating (both of themselves and the other person) and simply focused on confidently giving and receiving as much pleasure as they possibly could.
On the woman’s part, she let her SMALL breasts be a source of HUGE pleasure to both herself and to the man.
On the man’s part, he let his SMALL member be a source of GIGANTIC pleasure to both himself and to the woman.
The result? Absolutely amazing, truly red-hot sex!
Do you realize…and can you accept…that the physical size or shape of certain body parts – whether on you or on another person – can NEVER give the same level of pleasure as a person who has a full-out, confident mental INTENTION to both give and receive maximum pleasure – regardless of how idyllic or non-idyllic certain body parts are sized or shaped?
Did you fully grasp that last paragraph? I hope so because it contains a key secret to abolishing this hidden fear of inadequacy that so many people suffer from.
In my above illustration, it was both the woman and the man’s confident giving of their non-idyllic body parts – the surrendering of them – for the pleasure and enjoyment of both of them that created the real passion.
In thinking and believing that no matter what the size or shape, they could fully give and receive pleasure – they enjoyed exactly that.
And here’s the thing…this giving and surrendering is something that any couple – any man and woman – can do.
Let’s go a step further so you can really clear this up in your head and get things sorted out in a way that works for you…
It may be that your spouse has made statements or passing comments about certain physical sizes, shapes, or characteristics that you don’t possess. If that’s the case, here’s what you need to realize…
spouse may have PREFERENCES for certain OPTIONS that you don’t possess – just as you have preferences for certain options that your spouse may not possess.
Get this… There’s a HUGE difference between a PREFERENCE and a REQUIREMENT!
If it was a requirement, your spouse would have either laid that out at the beginning of the relationship or would have never even pursued a relationship with you in the first place.
A preference for a certain size, shape, color, or whatever is just that – a preference. And preferences are optional! If you don’t have it, well, no big deal, it was just optional anyway.
So, realizing this, just RELAX! Let go of all your fears of inadequacy.
What’s important…what you want to really pay attention to…what you want to focus on are those things that are NOT optional…those things that really are requirements – the giving and receiving of mutual love, respect, appreciation and regular intimacy.
Now, I want to go back and revisit a word I used previously – COMPARISON…
There has never been a game more designed for you to LOSE than the game of comparing one’s self to others.
It’s such a losing game because when a person compares and then self-judge’s themselves as somehow “less” than others, they WITHDRAW or WITHHOLD.
And, in the process of withdrawing and withholding, they block every chance of having the happiness and fulfillment in life they desire. They BLOCK THEMSELVES!
Withdrawing and withholding has never served to make anyone happy – ever!
The fact is, there will ALWAYS be someone who has a better shape, size, or characteristic than you. There will ALWAYS be someone who has something you don’t have.
The way for YOU to stop losing and start winning – in every area of your life, especially in relationships – is to confidently step out, to be more forward, and to start giving of yourself – regardless!
Again, the fear of inadequacy is a SELF-ORIGINATING thought. The antidote is SELF-APPROVAL and SELF-ACCEPTANCE.
Don’t look for your worth in the external world. Don’t look to other people for approval.
Beating yourself up by comparing yourself to others makes for a hard, painful, unhappy life.
Withholding and withdrawing yourself because you wonder if your spouse views you as inadequate is a sure way to destroy any and all good that happens to remain in your relationship – that you haven’t already destroyed.
Realize this…you are an important, talented, and special person. Let that sink in because it’s TRUE. You are completely unique.
Some things you’re better at then others, some you’re not.
There’s no need for unnecessary comparison.
Just be the best YOU that you can be.
Sure, develop and grow in those areas where you can. But while you’re developing and growing, always, always, ALWAYS be giving of what you have RIGHT NOW so that you can enjoy life to the fullest RIGHT NOW.
And, in the occasional case where the other person continually chooses to reject what you’re offering and giving…THAT’S OK! It’s ok because that person is just clearing themselves out of the way so that another person – one who wants to appreciate and enjoy what you’re offering and giving – can come into your life.
www.MarriedAndHappy.com – the website devoted to helping men create a more sexual, intimate, happy, and fulfilling marriage. Visit for more free articles and recommended resources.
Copyright 2008, Article by Calle Zorro, www.MarriedAndHappy.com
www.MarriedAndHappy.com – the website devoted to helping men create a more sexual, intimate, happy, and fulfilling marriage. Visit for more free articles and recommended resources. www.MarriedAndHappy.com
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Disclaimer: The information contained within is for educational purposes only. It is not meant to serve as delivery of medical care. Those persons with specific medical questions should consult their dentist, doctor, or other medical care provider.